If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
