I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize