Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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