I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
