a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
