"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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