): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
