dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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