Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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