my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was confusing and full of hummus
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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