Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
