I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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