She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
