a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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