Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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