yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
