Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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