So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize