Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
