No stitches, just platelets and will power
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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