Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
