lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
