bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
