Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
