hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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