She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
