My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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