I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
