there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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