is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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