the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
All the doctor said was why
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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