Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
