It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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