You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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