I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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