party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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