happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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