She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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