is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
