It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
They have beer where we have blood.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
