I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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