to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
