Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
