I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize