Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
