He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
