just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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