how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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