Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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