I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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