Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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