apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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