you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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