LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
