im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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