I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Found your dick twin last night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
