He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
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