He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
