I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
